What can you do when you can’t accept something?
There have been times in my life when something was too painful and too awful for me to fully accept the experience in the moment. The sudden death of my brother 18 years ago was one of them. He was only 42 at the time, with a wife and young son of 8.
It took a couple of years before I stopped being angry, before I stopped reliving that horrible day and wishing it hadn’t happened. Even yet, the sound of an ambulance brings back the memory and I always say a silent prayer for the person the EMTs are racing to help.
Maybe you have something that’s hard for you to accept as well? Or maybe you know someone who is suffering from rage, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or intrusive thoughts because of a terrible experience?
What can you do to feel better when you can’t accept what has happened to you? The first thing is to acknowledge your health.
For me, it was acknowledging that I was feeling angry about my brother’s death and had a lot of PTSD symptoms around it that manifested as insomnia, mind fog, overwhelming sorrow, and an inability to close my eyes without seeing my brother in his casket. Acknowledging what was happening inside me was also an acknowledgment that my mental health was having issues.
Once I acknowledged my thoughts and feelings, I had to allow myself to do something that let me be happy, even if only for a brief moment. I did this by asking my body what would feel good—what did it want? The body retains cellular memory. It knows everything about you even if you don’t remember.
And then I did what my body wanted. Sometimes that meant I ate ice cream. Sometimes I went for a walk or found a barn cat to pet. Sometimes I stayed all day in my softest pjs and watched movies.
The point is I first acknowledged I didn’t feel good, then I consciously chose to do something that did feel good. And I kept doing it, building a little momentum around the experience of happiness. This created some space so the unhealthy part of me didn’t take up all of me.
More importantly the space allowed an opening for reflection. At first, my reflection was simply that it was ok for me to feel like I did. That it was ok that I didn’t feel like myself. I quit thinking there was something wrong with not feeling ok.
It’s important to remember being happy all the time isn’t realistic. Happiness is situational. The question I asked is how can I bring happiness to this situation?
The answer is to give the body what it needs and wants. By sitting around in my pajamas watching a movie, I was reminded how my mom let me do this when I was a kid home sick from school. This memory brought me the feeling of loving comfort. This in turn, gave me the peaceful, loving space I needed to process something my mental/emotional mind was having a hard time grasping—the death of my brother and more broadly, the meaning of life.
With time to reflect and process, I was able to observe the experience of my brother’s death from a lens of acceptance. Not just the intellectual reality of his death, but the emotions I was carrying around it and the thoughts I had about it.
I began to notice I felt deeper somehow, more expanded within. I seemed to have a real understanding of empathy I hadn’t before which changed me in so many ways—from the way I listen and converse with those who are suffering, to the fuller appreciation I have for my loved ones, to the newfound courage I have to create the life I feel called to.
I am a new person. The old me is gone. Although I miss my brother deeply, I found a renewed appreciation, wisdom, and peace for the path I’m on.
If you’re going through a tough time, here’s some gentle steps you can take to feel better:
Figure out where you’re unhealthy right now. What do you feel? Where in your body do you feel it? Acknowledge you feel this way.
What can you do to bring yourself happiness? Ask your body what it needs from you right now to be happier and do it.
Be ok with not being ok. It takes time to create the space you need to reflect and process your experience.
And as always, I’m available for private sessions if you need deeper understanding, support, or guidance in the form of energy work or intuitive life coaching.