How does attachment to your things control your freedom?
I was talking with a friend on the phone and she mentioned the only personal possession she got from her father’s estate was a ring he loved. She described the ring and told me how special it was to her, reminiscing about seeing her father wear it. He had beautiful hands, she said, and then shared other fond memories of her dad with the ring.
Then she said, “The ring is really a family heirloom now, and someday I want to give it to my son.”
I said, “How will you feel if he pawns it?”
She gave a little gasp, and after a moment she said, “He’d never do that.”
“But if he did,” I persisted. “What would you do?”
“I wouldn’t give it to him.”
“Why?”
“Because it means something to me. My father loved that ring and he willed it to me. I don’t have anything else of his.”
This is one example of what attachment is and how it controls us.
The ring may be beautiful, but it’s an inanimate object—not good, not bad. Neutral. We’re the ones who assign our idea of value to everything. How many times have you heard someone say that something is “priceless” based on sentiment that invokes their positive feelings?
When my friend sees the ring, it triggers her feel-good memories of her relationship with her father. It’s how she felt toward her father that produces the feeling of loving nostalgia, not the ring. The ring is a neutral object.
Without realizing, she unconsciously transferred her feelings for her father onto the ring forming an attachment that elevates the ring to something beyond a material object. Now the object is much more than a ring—it’s her father’s ring.
For her, the ring is personal and emotional, not neutral. This is attachment. In her mind, the ring is “special” and to be treated as such, but that’s simply her perception based on memories attached to the emotions of what her father meant to her. Not knowing her father, the ring would mean nothing to me. It’s simply a ring. Neutral.
On the flip side, if she had horrible memories of her father, she’d want nothing to do with the ring and wouldn’t consider it a valued treasure. Same ring. Different perspective.
The next step in attachment in my friend’s story, is (unconsciously) wanting to control her son by it. This needing control happens often when we’re not aware of what attachment is. By passing the ring on to her son, there’s an expectation on her part that he’ll feel special because she’s giving him her much loved treasure, just as she felt special when she received it.
“Special” is the myth and dysfunction. It’s based on perception, not actual worth. In this case, it’s based on her experience and the strong emotions she developed around her relationship.
She also wants to control how her son feels about the ring, the meaning it has for him (your grandfather’s loved ring), and must be treated special—not pawned. This is not conscious on her part, but it’s clear he’ll only get the ring if he chooses to cherish it as an heirloom.
However, her son may not like the style of the ring, or have a particular fondness for his grandfather. Maybe he doesn’t want it.
Her memories are not his, yet she assumes the feelings are equal, potentially blinding her to anything contrary. His refusal of the ring could trigger her sense of worth and the value of their relationship. If she’s conscious of her feelings, she’ll seize the opportunity the trigger provides to know herself better.
Attachment happens when you mistakenly give more importance to an object (the ring) as if it was your person. You’ll hear people comment that the object (ring) is all they have left of their person.
The object is not the person, but through attachment the object becomes elevated emotionally beyond its usefulness and has the power to control our thoughts and actions. Families are torn apart over material things because of attachment. Possession of the “thing” becomes more important than the family member.
All material goods are meant to be used and enjoyed simply as they are, never emotionally elevated to the point of attachment. Here’s some questions to consider if you want to discover your own attachments and the power you’ve given them:
Think of an object you’ve enjoyed. Can you give it away freely without expectations of appreciation to you?
Can you pass down your object without needing to control the person you give it to and how they care for it or use it?
If the person you gave your object to wanted to sell it, how would you feel? Would you be upset or neutral? How would you feel about the person?
How would you feel if you offered your object to someone and they didn’t want it? Would you get hurt feelings? Would your sense of worth be in jeopardy?
There’s nothing wrong with material goods. They often enhance our lives as long as we don’t create a story or romanticize their worth beyond fact. Memories live in you, not the object. Enjoy your objects without attachment and you’ll be free of the dysfunctional hold you assigned them.
And as always, I’m available for private sessions if you need deeper understanding, support, or guidance in the form of energy work or intuitive life coaching.